oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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