I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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