I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
