dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
