we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
