I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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