hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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