The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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