enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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