Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
