I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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