wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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