I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
