Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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