We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
