YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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