Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
