Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
