I just saw a hot homeless man
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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