I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
