She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
