My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
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I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
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He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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