my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
