remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
