Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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