um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
