i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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