if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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