Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Dick very happy bro
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
