I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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