If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
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judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
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Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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