an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
