Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.