The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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