Swine flu. Run for my life!
thus making me awesome and them whores
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
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Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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