Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
