if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
