i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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