I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
