Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
