I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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