Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
