Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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