Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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