I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
