Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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