I think my fart just growled at me.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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