so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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