laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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