Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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