sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
