she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
