I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize