Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
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They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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