why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
