WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
