I can text with my tongue
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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