Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
