Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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