hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I wish there were birth control emojis
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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